I have not abandoned my relatively brand new blog. It’s just that there are days that turn everything on its head. Days that slip sideways and by evening the world is tilted a little differently than it was that morning. I had one of those days about a week ago. Since then I haven’t written anything. I have been very immersed in parenting life and in the realization that things in our lives have got to change. We have been very stagnant and lifeless since the pandemic began and it’s time to get unstuck. Although that is much easier said than done.
I have a milestone birthday approaching this weekend. One of those times that makes you stop and reflect on what and who you want to carry with you into the next decade and beyond. I’ve been thinking a lot about who I have been and who I want to be in the next part of my life. Over the years, between mothering and anxiety, I have really lost sight of who I am and what I enjoy. Even trying to figure out how to enjoy my birthday is proving to be a challenge. What do I even like to do anymore? I have always considered what the kids would enjoy or what my husband would want to do. I have really lost sight of who I am. I think this is a very typical thing for mothers and especially for women at midlife. We’re coasting along, raising kids. working jobs, sacrificing little bits of ourselves here and there and then all of the sudden something wakes us from the routine and we realize we left ourselves behind somewhere. Our kids are older, our jobs aren’t as fulfilling, maybe we still have a dream in us that we thought we had plenty of time to make real.
But now we may have more years behind us than in front. The world may have decided that it is time for us to disappear into the background and give up on hopes and dreams. We may be feeling invisible and irrelevant. Much less hopeful after so many years of watching the world fall apart at the seams. So we wake up one morning and realize that our lives don’t fit very well anymore, but all of the hopes and dreams still hanging on the rack aren’t really our style either. Some will keep wearing their uncomfortable life for lack of an easily bought, “acceptable” alternative.
Maybe there is another way. Maybe we have to craft that life ourselves. Form it out of the scraps of what we do want to carry forward with us. Take the off-the-rack dreams and alter them to fit. Like Andie’s prom dress in “Pretty in Pink.” (That reference should give you an idea of what milestone birthday I’m about to hit.) Our lives don’t have to fit anyone else’s expectation of what they should look like at any age. My young adult years didn’t look anything like that of my peers. I forged a path that in some ways I have felt ashamed of. But in so many other ways it gave me stories that my peers don’t have. It made me see that life can be varied and unexpected and that there are so many, many ways to exist. I don’t see why the rest of my life should be any different. I do not have to accept society’s view of midlife. I can just forge yet another path of my own.
The last decade has been challenging for me. Anxiety ruled the day and it has really robbed me of joy. That is the biggest thing I want to change going forward. One thing I do know I want to carry with me is my writing and poetry. That has been a part of me for decades and the one thing I do know I enjoy. I hope you will all stick with me on the journey ahead.